Some days are just hard. Honestly, if there wasn't the anxiety about whether or not we'll get Coronavirus or if the food supply will give out or if we'll ever get to go to Mass again, I could do this stay home thing for a very long time. That's just my personality.
But those extra anxieties are catching up with me. There are days like today where I have nothing to give and everyone needs something. Where even when I throw my hands up in frustration and give up and tell everyone I'm off limits for a bit, the reality is that I am still needed. And at some point, I will have to make dinner.
My mind battles with itself. "Get it together! They need you to be cheerful and present!" "Yes, but you can't be cheerful and present right now and you are crashing everyone's day. Find a place to be alone so you can get it together." " There is no place to be alone! They will find you no matter where you hide (so true). So you might as well just stubbornly plow through the day to get to the end."
And even when I do finally settle the argument in my head (in favor of giving in because I truly can't today), I'm left with the frustration that we only have four weeks left of this school year and if we take today off it will be another day we'll need to finish. And we were going to do an art project!
I don't have any smart help for anyone on this post. Only a raw, honest look at how somedays are hard, and if you are having a hard day, maybe there's some solidarity for you. Tomorrow likely will not be as rough (perhaps the baby will sleep tonight. That could help and explain some of today's problem). I have yet to understand how to redeem days like today. My own immaturity means I can't get out of my own way.
I think for the rest of today I'll reread an old post from Leila on bad days, have the kids do their independent school work (because we all know that if I stick them just in front of the tv or set them free to do as they will, it will backfire), read my book that I was supposed to have finished last month, perhaps crochet a bit while listening to an audiobook. In the midst of my fit, after sending certain bickering children to their rooms, I read this from Sally Clarkson. Yes, that's another hard thing about lockdown. I would really like to disappear into a coffee shop and the adoration chapel for a couple of hours. I really, really miss that.
