Friday, April 11, 2008

4:30am Doubts and Prayers

Fritter woke up at 4:30 this morning. After laying him back down, I couldn't get back to sleep. I lay in bed wondering if our new baby was alright. Why did I not feel sick right then? But I felt sick earlier that day. But I also felt sick with Noel (our miscarriage) just not THAT sick. And then it stopped, and I miscarried. What was that little pain on my left side? Could I be having an ectopic pregnancy? Why did my back hurt? Was I already miscarrying?

Until the alarm went off at 6, I laid there worrying. I know it's in God's hands, and I really can trust his will. He always knows what's best for me, even if it hurts. Perhaps I didn't deserve another baby. But of course I didn't, I don't really deserve anything I have. None of us do. God doesn't give us things we deserve, that's not how it works. Right? Right.

And then desperate for sleep, because I knew my day would start whether I was ready or not, I prayed for the grace to simply trust in God's will. And I think I may have gotten another 20 minutes or so of sleep as the alarm went off and my dh hit snooze.

I plan on taking it easy today (easier than yesterday, is that possible?). But when we finally got up, I realized we only had one more diaper. So after dh left for work, I loaded Fritter into the stroller and walked the one block to the store. It was a nice morning, and we saw about half a dozen hot air balloons. While there, I remembered that I had been craving chocolate ice cream, so I got some. And then I remembered we needed cheese, my hubby needed razorblades, and I had craved cherry tomatoes yesterday. As I picked up the tomatoes, I saw that they had a fresh supply of grapefruits, so I got one for my breakfast. They say never go to the store hungry. That's true, but tired and hungry is even worse.

After picking up the house and loading the dishwasher from last night, I sat down to rest. And then I felt it. My sickness coming back. Just a little bit. Just enough to say, "Hey, I'm still here." I'm thankful, really I am.

1 comment:

Lisa@UnexpectedJourney said...

I so remember those same feelings.
After 2 miscarriages, when I was pregnant with Ryan, I would wonder about every little thing I was feeling. Was that the same thing I was feeling (or not feeling) the previous two times? I was trying to trust in the Lord, saying His will be done, but it was very hard. Eventually, it gets better, especially after reaching certain milestones in the pregnancy, but it's never quite the same as if you'd never had a miscarriage. It's a more cautious approach.

I hope you find some peace. I'll pray that you have a healthy pregnancy and that God will give you some sign throughout,that everything will be OK.